Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
