i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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