I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
