i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
