i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
