I just threw up on my dentist
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
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