Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
