I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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