Soap is not a condiment
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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