return my video game
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
