words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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