1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
