Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
