he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
