Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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