about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
