Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
you had me at cake vodka
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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