my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
