I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
