Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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