i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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