How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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