i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
This toilet bowl is my home.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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