I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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