I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
