Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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