glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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