And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
