Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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