I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
