My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
