oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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