I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
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He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
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He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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