she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
