just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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