I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
