Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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