hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
