I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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