apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
