I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
