ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
