I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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