Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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