his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
She bit a glass in half.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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