My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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