Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
