I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
