I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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