did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I wanna passion pit in your ass
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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