it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
