He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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