So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
