I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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