wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
How's work?
Spinning.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize