when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
