Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Randomize
