you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
