I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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