Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
